August 6th, 2004

illo me

"The Neverending Apt Story That Ended" or "My Afternoon With Roommates, Thieves, Kids, and Liars"

For some odd reason, with the exception of my mom, my entire family is nocturnal. It started really weirding me out that the house seemed more active at 3:00 am than 3:00 pm. Oh well.

I promised I would write about the end of our apartment drama.
The people who are moving in realize around the 15th-20th that they don't have a lease signed yet, so they finally start being proactive.
Laura, our lovely landlady, contacts me and asks me to get in touch with everyone and set a signing date. Keep in mind, everyone's pretty scattered at this point, so this is a non-trivial feat.
She contacts me again a few days later, after spending a few days getting scheduling information from everyone, and tells me the signing date will be on the 30th at 2:00 pm.
On the 28th, everyone gets a lovely email from Laura. The tenents were not pleased with the state of the apartment when Bitner and Steve were 1/2 moved out and their stuff was everywhere. Also, Laura doesn't know how to spell my name after over a year. I am hurt.
Her email, as quoted, and my reply, as not quoted.
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Now, I'm sure you read all that, so I don't need to explain it. Most of her issues were stuff which were already taken care of, fucked up before we moved in, or her own god damn fault. Note, also, that the tenents visited the apartment a few weeks ago and did not complain until two days before we were going to sign the lease over.

Bitner, Steve, Diana, and I, with what little time we had left, made sure the place was in even cleaner than it was when we moved in, since these new people were proving themselves to be complete jerks.

Fast forward to the 29th. The signing time has been moved from 2:00 to 12:00. None of us were asked or notified. Fun. The night of the 29th, it occurs to us that Mike's keys are with his parents, not in the apartment. Awesome.

Now we are at the 30th. Home Depot has no qualms with copying my keys. We will have 5 sets to turn in. I get to the apartment to touch up. Namely, I apply bleach to a wall where an odd red stain had developed. If there is no paint, there is no stain, and the paint was already pretty lousy when we moved in.
Guess what? The copied key to the lock we replaced does not work, just like all the other copies we had made. Before, Steve had to file down the key so it would work. Fortunately, Steve and Bitner were in the city already, so a phone call and 30 minutes later, Steve is back to work at filing down the key. Only problem is that the only file he has is a shitty nail file like how you have attached to 99 cent nail clippers.

It's 11:45 and the first of the tenents show up. It is Joshua. He brought his whole family along. Two parents and (what seems like a dozen but is probably only) four children are rummaging through the house, waiting for everyone else. The key is not filed, so Steve and Bitner bring down a piece of wood with a nail from the attic. The nail makes a good file. The window attacks Bitner.

11:55. Everyone but Dorian is here, and everyone brought their mom and dad along. What fun. Oh, right. Laura isn't here either. She gives us a call to let us know that she will be about 20 minutes late, since she is stuck on the turnpike. Joy says she's sorry for not calling me back from last night, when I left a message inquirring if she was actually going to cancel the signing today, as threatened. She didn't appologize for any of the other calls between now and June 1st which she hasn't returned. Or being a jerk whose word means nothing. Steve and Bitner are still filing. The key will lock, but not unlock. 4.5 keys isn't a bad deal, right?

12:15. The key works. Sort of. You need the strength of a strong person to unlock the door. The kids are slowly driving us mad. Bitner shadily stows the boarded nail in the attic once more.

12:20. Dorian shows up. Laura hasn't.

12:30. Diana, Bitner, Steve, and I have staked out the kitchen. New tenents occationally wander in, but soon drift away to the New Tenent Stronghold in the livingroom.

12:45. I sarcasticly mutter, "Gee. I guess Laura's late" as she walks in the front door. She meets Diana for the first time, and introduces herself to everyone. One by one. Dear lord.

1:00. The longest checkout ever takes place. We hold our ground in the kitchen, letting Laura deal with The Parents.

1:20. We're still hanging out.

1:40. Laura pulls us aside and tells us that the tenents want painting and professional cleaning to come out of our security deposit, since they are "doing us a favor". We quirp that we were "doing them a favor" by not showing the apartment for other people, even though they didn't go half and half with us for the summer, as they promised. And how they twice in a row left things sitting in our lap at the very last moment. She agrees but thinks that the group is not going to take the place today. I start twitching and declare that if they're not accepting the place today, it isn't available to them. Everyone else appologises for my outburst and twitching.

1:45. Laura pulls us aside and says she doesn't think she'll accept one of the tenents. She is concerned that since this person is complaining so much now, they might expect repairs to actually get done. I refrain from pointing out that taking care of repairs is her only responsibility and pondering why we were paying her $330/month, but I do start twitching again. Others point out that we have leases, and if she rejects just one, they're all going to go elsewhere.

1:55 We're waiting in the kitchen as she "wraps things up" with the tenents. She repeatedly points out that once you sign there's no going back and it is final. It is obvious she's trying to get the complainer to flake out. It isn't working.
2:00. She's still trying.

2:10. We're finally signing. Whew!

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I was going to write about how One Acts went, but that'll have to be another entry. This is hella long already.